Marriage: In Sickness

I wrote this a short while ago after having watched my husband go in/out of the hospital to treat an infection due to a flare up, and associated skin disease, which he is still recovering from. This last month has brought me one of my greatest challenges, probably in my life, but most certainly in my married life. I wonder sometimes when vows are spoken how we find a way to commit to them unknowing what lies ahead in life, and how long that love will be allowed us. In sickness and in health. Of course, in health. Most of us probably marry in our peak health, young and vibrant. When we married, I was 21, he was 26. We were young, in love, full of hope and excited for the future. It wasn't long after we were married that a diagnosis came that rocked us, and while I knew of past health struggles, there was no diagnosis, and no cause to worry. No evident struggle or fight with sickness. A few months took us on a whirlwind of doctors visits until we met the one who would say what no one wants to hear. I remember watching the doctor scribble it on a paper before she said it as if to convince herself of what she was going to say, and pronounce to my husband that he had a chronic sickness which has no cure. I cried. I remember in later days grieving heavily over this diagnosis and the helplessness I felt towards it, and in that, this need to give away what was not mine. The diagnosis was not mine. My husband's life was not mine, but God's. I had to somehow grace that back to Him, which had been so graciously given to me. Fast forward about 6 years and we now have 3 kids together, and while the struggle with his condition has been up and down, it seems relatively quiet to our daily lives. Until 2 months ago. He shows me something. I quickly dismiss, but wonder, is he having a flare up? He says he doesn't know. We are now far away from specialists and knowledgeable doctors, and it's been so long since we've seen this that we wonder if it could be true. Awhile later, it has gotten much worse. He is laying sick on the couch, and so I tell him he needs to go the hospital, which he does, and continues to go back and forth for another 5 days to treat an infection. He is admitted one night, when I am at home with 3 sleeping babes, unsure of what is happening. It is an incredible struggle to know which is more important, to protect and take care of my kids, or to be at my husbands side. Not that one is more important than the other, but it is an incredibly unfair decision to have to make. I am incredibly lucky that weekend to have family coming from out of town, and so I wait for them to arrive. Their presence allows me to sneak away for important appointments and offer support to the man who gifted me with the three beauties who wait for us at home. I'm not sure which is worse, to watch your husband or your children be in pain. Maybe they are equally the same. In any case, it requires a lot of effort for me at moments to hold myself together, mostly because I know he needs me to do that. On a particularl day, I find myself crumbling amidst my surroundings which bring back unfair memories of a lost loved one, unrelated to what we are going through. It is hard nontheless. A few days later, a doctor informs him of the grim diagnosis the hospital docs thought he had, which sends my mind into other places. I suddenly have to process the thought that I may have lost him, and I was at home. Waiting. I realize then how quickly things can change. It puts into perspective this incredible chance we have to love, and to give our best to someone based on what we can do for them today. My faith tells me that God gives all good things, and yet He is still there in the midst of very hard things. He is there even at death. And I know that I can only love a pint size compared to Him. This thing called love which our hearts naturally know how to feel and do, I realize is only a small glimpse into how He feels for us. Walking through sickness and pain with someone you love is a test, albeit one of the hardest. I won't say I enjoyed this, but I am grateful I could be the woman watching him go through this with amazing strength and dignity. And faith. This man challenges me to believe for things I feel are out of reach, and to ask for what seems impossible. He has shown me what it means to be strong in spite of pain. He has been strong for me, even when he was the one in physical pain. Nearly 8 years into this journey of marriage, I wonder what could come next. We have barely dipped our toes into this life long adventure of learning and loving, and I can't imagine what other trials and hardships we will likely go through together. But I am thankful he is mine. In sickness and in health.